F Cancer

It's January 4th at about 3 pm. I am in court and I see that GG has called me and left a voicemail. This is nothing uncommon, as GG calls all the time with random questions or thoughts.

I walk out of the courthouse and listen to my voicemail: "Hi Jill, it's Mom, can you please give me a call as soon as you get this? Thanks." My first thought is to worry, as it seems urgent. But I quickly switch to annoyance thinking that she probably has a question that's only urgent in her head but certainly no one else's. I wait until I'm in my office, shut the door, and call her back - revisiting all thoughts of urgency.

GG answers the phone with a friendly "hello" and I say "What?"

 "I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but I do have breast cancer."
 I can still hear it over and over in my head.
 "What? How is that possible? What do you mean?"
 "Well, they made a mistake and said I didn't but I do."
 "What did they say? What do you mean?"

 I'm angry. Very angry. You see, just 5 days prior, GG had been cleared. She was told her biopsy was negative for cancer and "everything looked good." But now the world was spinning. GG was quiet - in shock really - and not giving me any concrete answers. I was getting more and more pissed and the conversation quickly ended. I sat in my office and soaked it in. How could this be happening? My Mom can't get sick. I need her. But most importantly, everyone else needs her. Tatum. Her Nana is her BEST.FRIEND. And T is only 3 1/2. They have a lifetime of memories to make.

Fast forward 7 days and I'm sitting in the lobby of Cancer Care Northwest with my Mom on one side and my Dad on the other. I brought my iPad so I can look at junk online and take my mind off things, but I can't help but look around. To my left I see a closet full of toys, games, crayons and other fun things for kids. I get sick thinking of the children that have to see this lobby. I look in front of me and see very sick people, some with no hair, some with adorable hats on, some that look frightened and scared just like us.

The oncologist meeting takes 3 hours. And we find out that yep, GG has breast cancer.  But we don't know how big yet.  That will come later, after another 6 day wait. Oh, and the surgery? That's not for another 14 days. Patience is a virtue.  The details of GG's Journey can be found at http://nonnagg.blogspot.com.

I've had time to process what's going on, but that doesn't mean I've dealt with it. My first thought at the oncologist office was FUCK CANCER.

About 2 hours into the meeting with the oncologist I got a text message from Ryan: "How are you?" My response: "Fuck Cancer." I still feel that way. I also feel HOPEFUL, very very HOPEFUL, and deep deep down hidden under the worry and angst, I do believe it will be small and early - the most important things to help GG kick this cancer's ass. But I'm still pissed. You see, I like to control things. As you might imagine, I don't have much control over this. So instead I'll get pissed.

Instead of ending this post with Fuck Cancer - maybe I will end  it with this instead:

Dear Lord,
Please help my family and I to NOT BE AFRAID. To trust in you Lord, and know that GG will beat this. To NOT BE AFRAID, and know that in about 20 or so years, GG will be standing at the front of a church watching her best friend get married, or maybe sitting at the front of a convention center watching her best friend graduate from college, or maybe she'll be waiting in the lobby of a Vet Clinic waiting for her best friend to give a checkup to her hearing dog. You see, Lord, her best friend is Tatum  - or at least that's what Tatum says - and she has a lot of memories to make with her before we're done with her. And Lord, that doesn't include the memories she has to make with her other Grandchildren. You see Lord, in 20 years, she might be wearing something extra fancy on the East Coast while she attends her famous Grandaughter's art show. Or she might be rushing through the streets of New York to catch her Grandson's performance in a broadway musical. And Lord, she might even be doing something extra special with her future Grandchildren.  She might be sitting at a very important golf tournament while one of her future Grandchildren qualifies for the PGA Tour. You see Lord, she's done so much already with her amazing husband, kids, and own family - but it wouldn't be fair if her Grandkids didn't get to make those memories. So remind us of this when we start to get down:

and let us cherish each and every single moment and let us join together to help GG fight this cancer. And Lord, please place your hand upon GG's shoulder and let it rest there for the next 14 days or so.  She needs it. But my most important prayer Lord, is a prayer of Thanks. THANK YOU GOD for awesome technology that will hopefully lead to early detection, THANK YOU GOD for letting us live so close to GG and be able to walk through this journey with her, THANK YOU GOD for an amazing medical community and oncologist, THANK YOU GOD for GG's strong faith in you that will carry her through this, and THANK YOU GOD for the family and friends that have formed a circle around GG to carry her when she needs it.